Idealisation and devaluation as two sides of one coin

"They were perfect in every way." "They were the best thing that ever happened to me." "They can do no wrong." "They were the One!" These phrases I frequently hear from my clients. These rose-coloured glasses view hide an idealisation that is one of the defence mechanisms of our psyche.

Idealisation is a common tendency of the human psyche to emphasise the positive qualities of others while overlooking their flaws. While this defence mechanism can protect us from the harsh realities of the world and the fear of disappointment, we must be aware that idealising someone can inadvertently manipulate them into conforming to our expectations, which can rob them of their authenticity and spontaneity. Also, this can hinder our ability to connect with others on a deeper level, even in the early stages of a relationship.

The roots of idealisation can often be traced back to our childhood, where we may have yearned for the perfect parent or seen the parent as perfect and all-powerful and been disappointed when our parents could not fulfil that role superbly from our point of view (see my previous post about the first one of the five core needs). This disappointment can lead to unconscious expectations that others should fit into the mould we have created for them, and when our idealised vision of someone is shattered, we may feel disappointment, betrayal, anger, sadness, anxiety, and longing.

The process of devaluing is essential for children because it links to separation from parents in the later stages. As you grow up, strong emotional attachments (it is a dependency) to your caregivers must be severed to establish a sense of autonomy, independence and self. The devaluing of parents can help children differentiate themselves, establish a sense of identity, and build healthy relationships in adulthood.

Instead of relying on idealisation or devaluation, facing disappointment with courage and honesty can be an opportunity for growth and self-awareness. Accepting our own imperfections and taking responsibility for our own needs, rather than expecting others to fulfil them, can lead to true intimacy and love that is freely given and received.